NONE OF YOUR FRIEND’S BUSINESS
Is it ok to tell your friend’s all about your relationship?
I have a really bad habit of wanting to call my friends and tell them about every single moment of my life. Especially my love life. Every argument. Every disagreement. Every falling out in my romantic relationships. I open the door and ask for my friend’s opinion and they become a participant in a union that’s really not between them. On the flip side, I’m always eager to hear the latest “juice” about my friends love life. “He said what!” “You can do better.” “There’s too many fish in the sea!” I’ve spit these kinds of phrases out a million times, offering my friends my nosey, shallow, one-sided advice on their love life, imposing my imaginary ideas of what I would do if I were in the same shoes as them.
This is all stupid. Who really listens to their friends when it comes to love? I know some may disagree, but I’m going to go ahead and say “No one!” I’m not going to leave my relationship for or because of my friends. Nor am I going to be able to accurately and in a fair way, explain to them the conflict I am experiencing. What I’m usually asking for is an ear to vent to, or at worst for someone to take my side when he didn’t. And it’s the same for my friends. They call when they’ve been seemingly wronged, when they are hurting and it’s almost always impulsive.
The issue with bringing people into the intricate details of my relationships has been that once I am able to see that I played a role in whatever set of wrongful and or seemingly wrongful behavior happened to me, or that it’s my choice to deal with anything I have in my life, I can forgive or reassess my feelings/situation. This is the process that I don’t call my friends and tell them about. (And vice versa.) This is the part when I have to admit that maybe I was wrong. And I’m hardly ever as loud about that. But even when I am, it’s my friends who will sometimes minimize it and make me feel like my mistakes “aren’t so bad.” (What are friends for after all lol.) So, when I have moved on from the event, most of the time, they haven’t. I’ve possibly painted a skewed negative impression of my lover without telling the full story & without admitting that I choose to be here and that maybe words expressed were painfully true or actions that manifested were deserving. And now, he has to deal with the brunt of my friends/family, or even worse, people he doesn’t even know, quietly knowing what’s happening between us. Our private union has now become a public discussion.
I think it’s best to stay out of my friends business and to keep them out of mine. There’s nothing wrong with conversation amongst friends, but I have a personal boundary now that the details of the ups and downs of my relationship belong to us only. To have that respect for my companion makes it 100 times easier to have it for my friend’s and their companions. I don’t ask about it & if I’m listening, I don’t judge it anymore. (I’ve kind of stopped caring unless someone is in danger and even in those horrible situations, it’s them that have to choose to walk away.)
Maybe I’ve relied on my friends for moral values. For a different perspective when I can’t see clearly. And I think it’s the same for my friends. But no matter what I shared with them, it never stopped them from what they wanted to do. And no matter how much they’ve shared with me, only so much has affected my choices. Especially when I can see that they don’t always have it together and they can see that I’m a mess myself sometimes too. I can give it to them straight when requested and vice versa, but it’s rare that my girls are telling me something I don’t already know. And I know the same applies to them. All we can really do is help each other face the pain we’re running from when we try to victimize ourselves. And from then, the choice to evolve or not is ours.
Privacy is something I never thought was this deep. I felt it was harmless to have “girl talk.” And sometimes it is, depending on what’s being shared. But it’s in these conversations that I can negatively compare my relationships, learn things about a friend’s lover that I shouldn’t & develop my own judgment of a person. That’s a waste of time and energy. There are some things that are sacred and private and shouldn’t be shared. For me personally, I have to set a limit to how much I will share.
Thank you for reading. Do you agree? Disagree? Let me know.
Listen to my latest #MondayLoveDrop, a cover of Natalie Cole’s #Inseparable, below: