Win Or Lose + Catwalk/Streetwalk OTD Inspired by Radio Raheem

Black Girl 2

Winning & Losing

“You Can’t Sit With Us,” Right or Wrong?ย 

I often see the slogan, “You Can’t Sit With Us” on clothes or posted as a meme on the internet. I remember the first time seeing it on a cool photo of pretty women with the caption up top. I thought to myself, “This reminds me of me and my friends.” I went through a phase where I felt I was surrounded by idiots. The more I believed that, I began to see people as slightly beneath my intellect. It became my motivation to make them aware of how stupid they were in contrast to my friends & I. We were “the cool kids” in my mind and I just assumed no one else could dare experience what we had or understand it. I believe the correct term for these feelings is arrogance. I went through a “You Can’t Sit With Us” moment.

Culturally, this idea is all around me. Not to use the world as my scapegoat, because I take full accountability for all my behaviors, but to say, I’ve been influenced heavily by things I’ve been watching & listening to.

It’s been very difficult for me to distinguish between being around a group of people that think like me or understand how I think, and that meaning we are somehow “better.” When I’m doing something cool, there is a question I have to ask myself and that is: Am I doing this because it’s dope to me? Or am I doing this to showcase it (on the internet) to the world so that they will think I’m cool and or envy me?

Why do I want to win? Am I just trying to stunt? Am I trying to tell the world “You can’t sit with me?” or am I showcasing things that I think are cool in hopes to inspire and share my experience here on earth?

Every form of arrogance I’ve ever had stems in insecurity. I have a point to prove when I’m trying to tell people they can’t be my friend. And in this case, generally that point is that I want to be cool to people. I want them to want to sit with me. Ultimately, there should be no limit to the number of friends I wish to have. The only thing that makes me think I can only have a few good friends is the history of painful experiences of adding new friends to my circle, and the situation going wrong. To protect myself from the possibility of failing at new friendship, I put up a wall to convince others that I’m so content with my friendships, and we’re so cool, that nobody needs to be added to the clique. Some friends will become family, and their access might be elevated. But, I’ve come to believe, it’s cool to have a lot of friends.

Sometimes when I win, my objective is to steal other people’s pride. It’s a sense of telling them to bow down as if I’m God. It’s not because I enjoy the sport of things. And when I lose, I feel such an intense pain rooted in powerlessness. Not only did I lose, but I lost or I’m losing in front of all my followers and peers and people I admire. This is a form of slavery. There was a time that I wanted to win because I wanted to be excellent. Because I enjoyed what I was doing. Somewhere that got lost and it only became important to me to appear to be winning and to avoid any form of loss or losing period. This is SO unrealistic of me. Part of life is winning and losing. The true champion handles them both with the same mindset; Grace. When I can win or lose gracefully, I know I’m on the right track. I know I’m not trying to take energy or power from another person in pursuit to be excellent. This is the correct way.

To be arrogant is lame. My definition of lame is all negative behavior based solely on ego and not on the spirit or soul. I don’t like when people try to make me feel like I’m beneath them. So it’s not dope to carry that mentality with me at all. Everyone has a gift. Everyone is genius at something. Sometimes our choices and circumstances leave us in unfortunate predicaments that may seem to others that we are “losers.” Sometimes I do feel like a loser. But the remedy for that is to face the pain beneath it. Not to fight the other person that beats me. Not to kill them. Or remove them. That’s only a superficial solution. They can disappear and the powerlessness remains beneath the surface. The feeling underneath the egotistical exterior that says I can’t lose EVER is the thing that has to be challenged. And ultimately, at all things we “lose” at, there’s a lesson that we gain as well. This lesson bears the knowledge we will need to “win.” Failure & difficulty are feedback. Not always that something outside of us needs to change or be removed, but generally something inside.

I’m working hard to welcome people into my life. Maybe everyone can’t immediately be my best friend, but the door is open to sit with me. And the tone is set to win or lose with grace.

Thank you for reading. Do you agree? Disagree? Have a story like this of your own? Let me know!

-Deja B.

Listen to my latest #MondayLoveDrop, a cover of Natalie Cole’s #Inseparable, below:

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