“He’d be crazy to not wanna be with me!” If you’ve ever said these words. I’m writing this for you.
He cheated on me with a girl that looked 10 times worse than me! I mean, you should see this girl. She ain’t got nothin on me. These words flew out of my mouth at one point of my life. Typing it just now, I realize even furthermore how stupid they sound. I suffered from a complex called “Every man is lucky to have me, the end.”
And it was always the end. I kept getting dumped. What a bruised ego I had after each splat. There’s something about being a woman that is powerful. When you are female, you inherit being treated special simply because sex is powerful. If you have any kind of beauty, that level of specialness increases. The most beautiful women receive the “best treatment” because there are more options to choose from. This is not something you don’t already know. But, the problem I had is I had a perception that I was automatically the cream of the crop by default. So whatever skills I needed to develop to actually become the cream of the crop, I didn’t care to develop.
I’ve seen too many movies and read too many romance novels and I just decided that all men should buy me $10,000 jewelry, take care of me in a home of my liking and do everything in their life to please me. Not because I deserved it. But because (I thought) I have the candy bowl every man wishes to dip into. I thought my beauty was high enough on a scale that I could do whatever I wanted. I thought the perfect relationship could be handed to me on a platter without the hard work that has to be done first.
My relationship thoughts consisted mainly of “me, me, me!” and then add some more me to that. The problem with this is that its the worst mentality I could possibly have on my quest to be genuinely loved and treated well. Who wants to date someone who isn’t ever thinking about them and what they want? Essentially, I was selfish, lazy and immature. And to give myself a slight excuse, I was very young when I carried this mentality, but that doesn’t take the sting out of how bad of a mentality it was.
Beauty is an interesting thing. I’m not beautiful to everyone. Hardly anyone is. To be honest, several times in my life (as you may have read in previous blog posts) I wasn’t even beautiful to myself. So to carry the idea that I could ride on that alone is odd. When I see beautiful people who appear to be treated special, I always skip the part where they already had their own good life and money and some form of status BEFORE some guy (seemingly) came along and gave them more of it. The issue with riding on beauty alone is that there’s absolutely nothing else to back it up. It’s like having fake fruit that is polished and painted beautifully but you cannot bite into it, you can only look at it. The thing worse than using beauty as the one great quality about myself, was using sex as the only great quality about myself. Imagine where I had to be emotionally to feel like that’s all I had to bring to win it all. Imagine what I thought of myself to think that was the most alluring thing to a offer a person I said I loved.
Beauty & sex go hand-in-hand. They are both highly romanticized culturally and placed on a pedestal that can leave impressionable minds with the false concept that they are enough. And yet, neither of them are hardly ever strong enough to sustain a relationship when there is nothing else beyond them. Someone who looks far worse than me (whatever that means, because it’s a pretty arrogant ideal in the first place) can most definitely replace me if they bring essential qualities that I am lacking to the person trying to love me. These skills include but are not limited to: kindness, self-control, peaceful temperament, being cool & stress-free, money management, the ability to function well independently, cooking, nurturing, able to be private, intelligence, knowing when to be submissive & when to take control, forgiving, having excellent work ethic, flexibility, able to compromise, able to communicate respectfully, able to take accountability for themselves and having fundamentally sound values & morals.
It was impossible for me to develop these skills because I didn’t care to realize that I didn’t have them or that they were important. Being the woman in the relationship that brought nothing to the table except her hand out, took a toll on the guys I was with. I was told that it felt like they had a child (those words were like taking a bullet) or that they were in the relationship alone and without support. My alleged love and sensuality & or beauty was not enough on its own. So I went back to the drawing board, as many of us have done after break-ups, and I noticed a pattern that I made it my business to correct.
All the times that I wrongfully blamed men for being no-good dogs, all the times I said, “you’d be crazy to leave me,” when there was actually a great reason to leave, all the times I took a good person and the kind things they did for me for granted, it was because I didn’t have it together myself. And to own that was embarrassing. To admit that meant I had to change it. It’s so much easier to just point the finger and blame him.
I had to be alone and during this time I did a lot of thinking, reading & talking to people I know who’ve been married for decades. I learned that a relationship is not an escape route from life. A man is not a caregiver. A savior. A knight in shining armor. Or a bank. I can’t be with someone solely for them to help me pay my bills or to buy me things. I have to take care of myself first and foremost. I’m no good to anyone as long as I need them for anything. Everything in relationships is about what he & I want. Not what we are missing within ourselves and hoping to discover in someone else. That’s called dependency. And it’s not attractive or long-lasting. When I saw it that way, I was impressed with how simple a concept it is.
So many times men get a really bad rep for cheating or leaving. And sometimes the reasons why (more stress on sometimes) they have done these things are valid. Sometimes it’s the woman that is slacking, immature, irrational & shallow. I was that girl before. It took a lot of hard work to overcome such a bad mentality. And even more to share it here on the internet. But, I’m hoping that someone can learn from me that women are not infallible. We are not entitled to everything simply because we have the candy bowl. Everything still has to be earned.
I want to be the cream of the crop. That means I have to fix myself and correct myself until that is so. Being able to do for ourselves all the things we want others to do for us is the most powerful thing women can do. And to do it all without the snappy attitude is even better. For all the times we put guys in the dog house, sometimes we are guilty too. I know for sure that I have been.
Thank you for reading. This was a hard post to write. But I’m happy I did. Leave a comment if you want!
Listen to my latest Monday Love Drop called #Stay (Every Time) inspired by Amerie. It’s at the player below!