LET IT GO
The thoughts fill up my mind. I’m driving myself crazy. Too many things at once will crash the mind of even the most sane person. Here’s the remedy!
I’m trying to do a million things at once. It feels like those nights when I go grocery shopping and I have so many bags but I don’t wanna make a second trip to the car, so I try to carry it all at once and they all fall. The smarter thing to do is to carry what I can and unload that and then return for more when my hands are free. But there’s that desire to be superwoman and every now & then, I need a break.
I’m wise enough to know that discomfort is not something someone can necessarily make me feel. I’m aware that I’m responsible for myself and my happiness. But there are those times when things hurt me and it catches me off guard because I can’t explain why. Sometimes it’s a matter of questioning the pain I feel and trying to uncover it and other times it’s just being annoyed by someone’s negative perception.
My latest personal quest is to be independent and in control of my feelings, actions and behavior. It’s one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done. Mainly because when I ask for things they come in the most unusual ways. Ironically, when I pray for confidence, all my insecurities are revealed to me. When I pray for patience, all the things that bring out my impatient side, happen to me. When I pray for love, all the things that need healing within me are presented in the form of another person. When I pray for success, the opportunities to work for it open up to me. Moral of the story is, the prayers bring opportunities. But the actual work is still my job. And in order for something to be made new, the old has to be done away with, and destroying that part is the piece that begins to happen. The rebuilding is the work I have to do to move forward. It hurts like hell.
When I’m growing, I’m facing everything I’m afraid of. I’m noticing all the things that I’m not good at. I’m challenging the way I think. Then I’m actively trying to change old habits that have been a part of my character for years. There are those moments when I feel that burn in my chest and in my stomach. My emotions are trying to make me aware that a part of my soul that needs healing is being accessed. And I cry because it isn’t pleasant. My first defense is to blame everyone. And as soon as I do that, I know that I’m about to grow because I absolutely won’t settle for blaming anyone for how I feel.
This is when the work begins. I have to ask myself why I’m resisting the truth? What is the root of why I’m afraid to face my pain. It comes to me immediately. Then I have to admit it to myself and sit on it. Once I go through this process, I can let it go. I can drop that thing off of my to-do list and it takes a very large weight from me.
Everyone has an emotional blueprint. An internal map of experiences that have shaped their sensitivities. It could be a plethora of things that trigger our emotions, but underneath those things is a distinctive group of origins and we have to get to know them so we can change how we react to things when they are triggered.
I want to be free of feeling horrible about things that are uncomfortable but the only way out of being affected by those feelings is to let them move through me. And I can only manage one thing at a time.
For me personally, the key to letting it go, is to go inside. Maybe facing one thing at a time, and knowing that in the end, a lot of the things I worry about, are not that important. Hope you have a great weekend!
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