The thing right now is over-exposure. We can see what we want from anyone, anytime, anywhere. In so many ways that’s cool. But it’s also a drag because there’s no mystery. I never knew how cool it was to run into someone and genuinely be happy to see them. I never knew how cool it was to call family or to be around them face to face to learn about what’s happening in their lives through a personal conversation, even if that conversation wasn’t between just the two of us.
I struggle a lot with what I want to share, what I need to share, and what I want and need to keep private. My truest nature is to be to myself and to keep the happenings of my life within a very small circle. I’m genuinely a very secluded person. Except when I create art. Then I want to broadcast it and share it and talk about it. The same applies when I wish to express my thoughts through writing. The things I like to discuss are a part of my artistic expression. I like words. I like conveying ideas. I like talking about culture, race, emotional progress, life and most things that challenge the status quo. But I don’t like sharing where I live, how much money I have, who I’m dating or not dating, what I’m doing every second, who I’m with all the time, how I look in a thong, and on and on.
This works against me because now, peoples interest is wholistic. Long gone are the days where mystery was the glue that held careers together. I think Beyonce & Jay-Z have been able to use mystery as a huge part of their success, but they also built that foundation very strong during a time when it was acceptable. On top of that, they both have tremendous talents that carry them far beyond gossip and lifestyle. (My opinion.)
Anyhow,I wonder sometimes if there is a way to find a balance between sharing my life and my art while still keeping the things most personal and sacred to me away from the world. And I wonder if there are people that are refreshed to not know everything about me, even though in the moment it probably reads as boring.
As my life has upgraded, I don’t feel the same about showcasing it. When I was dead broke and I drove buckets, I wanted to inspire people not to feel bad about the car they drove. Because while I was driving those buckets, I was saving all my money for a house and a better car. Then I got the money for the house and the better car and sharing it only seemed boastful. I get sick of seeing people boast, because then the accomplishment gets overshadowed by flossing and it’s not something that inspires people to set goals, it is generally something that inspires people to keep up with the Joneses.
When I was single, I wanted girls to know that being alone is a very important time in life especially for women. It’s in these moments that we shape who we will be in the next relationship or relationships. And if we don’t move on to a new relationship with someone else, being single is a great time to build a better relationship with ourselves. I wanted to say this because when I was single, I was working on myself everyday and preparing for the moment that God would bless me with a companion. Then I stopped being single, and when I said things about the single life, it didn’t feel appropriate anymore. I felt like a piece of me lost touch with those women I was speaking to because my position in the conversation changed. It quieted me.
When I was always trying to motivate people and send positive vibes, I started to see that it became a trend. The quotes, the life gurus, the deep, thought provoking sayings became cliche. And now there was nothing to separate me from everyone else. When I was sharing those thoughts, they were from painful experiences I really had. It was from books of poetry I’ve been writing since I was 11 years old. It was from a deeply humanitarian place that’s always existed in me that wants to help people, especially Black women, because when I was young, I didn’t always have the benefit of someone else experience. However, I didn’t like how it felt to see massively produced in-genuine versions of things that weren’t intended to inspire but to look inspiring. So I spoke less. It rarely feels the same to speak about life, because we’re all doing it, all the time and not always because that’s what we believe but because that’s whats “IN” right now.
So what happens is, I start to feel like the one thing that will always be mine and mine alone, is my artistic expression. And I put everything there, but the things that spark people’s interest to dig deeper into that expression, are based on doing all the things that no longer feel natural to me.
If I post my money, my lifestyle, my car, my man, all the things he does for me, my reaction to every second; I’m every girl online. And I wish to always be unique and to always follow the flow of my intuition and my energy.
That being said, I am struggling with my desire for fame. I want it for the music. I don’t want it for personal reasons. I have to find a way to still give the gifts I want to give to the world, in mediums and in formats that still feel like Deja Bryson. When it feels like I’m on hiatus, it’s because I’m partially in limbo and I haven’t yet found a comfortable space to live in as far as giving.